Jump to Content

Media Release

December 18 2006

Child-friendly tips for separated parents at Christmas

When families separate, Christmas can be a sad time for some people, especially the first Christmas after the break-up, and if children are with the other parent or are missing a parent.

Children caught up in the conflict and tension of a family break-up may feel anxious, sad, confused, left out, angry, depressed, or even torn between parents who are dealing with anger and other stresses associated with separation - and these feelings can intensify at Christmas, according to the Director of the Conflict Management Research Group in UniSA’s Hawke Research Institute, Associate Professor Dale Bagshaw.

An international authority on mediation, Prof Bagshaw is the project leader for the Children and Families in Transition (CAFIT) Project, a partnership between UniSA’s Hawke Research Institute and Centacare Family Services. Established in 2004 and funded by the Telstra Foundation in 2005 and 2006, the research project aims to promote child-centred approaches to service delivery for separating families and their children.

Prof Bagshaw and the CAFIT Project team have some child-friendly tips for parents on Christmas Day:
• while Christmas can be a stressful time, try not to fight or argue in front of the children as it will spoil their day;
• where possible encourage the children to have meaningful contact with both parents on Christmas Day – face to face is best but where that is not possible, telephone, emails, letters, videos and thoughtful presents can reassure children that they are wanted and loved;
• if both of you are able to settle your differences for a short time on Christmas Day, it may be reassuring for children to see their parents cooperating for the children’s benefit, perhaps by both being present when the children open their presents;
• depending on the age of the children, separated families may be able to arrange for children to have Christmas lunch with one parent and dinner with the other, or celebrate Christmas with one parent and the next day with the other, giving the children two Christmases;
• do not ‘buy’ your children’s affection by outdoing each other with presents - they will feel torn between the two of you and get the wrong message;
• remember that grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins are very important sources of support for children. Phone calls, emails, cards or a visit can help children to stay connected and feel that they are still part of a family.
• make sure that your children can feel free to contact their relatives on both sides of the family - children grieve when they are not able to see people that they are close to;
• if you have another partner after separation and there are children from different families present on Christmas Day, make sure that they all feel welcomed and included and that they get an equal share of the presents;
• make time to play together;
• if any of your children show signs of being depressed, make sure that you get help from friends or family - alternatively, children can ring Kid’s Helpline – 1800 551 800.

The CAFIT team also has some recommendations for parents who are without their children at Christmas:
• arrange to spend time with friends or family so that you do not feel lonely and the children are reassured that you are OK;
• if a problem arises, get the facts and make a plan;
• don’t worry alone – talk to others and ask for help;
• if you feel depressed, make sure that you get help from your friends or family - you can also ring Lifeline in South Australia – 131 114 at any time.

“While children in general like to see their parents together, there are circumstances when this may not be safe or of benefit for the children,” Prof Bagshaw said.

“If you and/or your children have experienced violence and abuse, you should not think that you need to spend time over Christmas with the abusive partner for the benefit of your children. If you or your children feel unsafe, receive threats or experience violence or abuse at Christmas or any other time, contact the Domestic Violence Crisis Service on 1300 782 200 or in an emergency dial 000.”

Contact for interview

Media contact

top^